


If Only

by thevalesofanduin



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 18:12:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12238053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thevalesofanduin/pseuds/thevalesofanduin
Summary: The trouble is, you think you have time ~ BuddhaOr: the heartbreaking and unfair scene where Christopher Pike dies (from Jim’s pov)





	If Only

There is no air in his lungs.

A static has overtaken his mind.

His vision is blurred by tears.

His heart seems to stand still while at the same time it cries and bleeds and shatters into so many pieces it’ll never be completely whole again.

_No, no, no_

He stumbles back, his body trying to protect his mind. Flee, run, turn around and maybe when you re-enter the room you’ll find a different scene.

But he knows he won’t.

Yet there is denial in his mind, refusal in his heart and as he stumbles and falls to his knees he glances up at Spock.

He seeks reassurance, a glimmer of hope, _anything_.

He finds nothing.

For there is nothing on Spock’s face other than blankness. No schooled emotions, no suppressed feelings.

Nothing.

_No, no, no_

The hand he reaches out is unstable, the skin he touches still warm.

His fingers slide, grasp, search for a pulse and his mind is chanting, screaming, _please, please, please!_

But his heart already lies in shatters at his feet and his mind is forced to accept what his heart already knew.

There is no pulse.

Slowly, the skin he’s now touching will get cold.

They’ll get a medical team in here, lift Chris and move him right into a body bag.

They’ll call Phil – oh _God, Phil_ – and there will be a funeral.

A funeral

_Dead_

Hot tears fall down Jim’s cheeks, loud sobs escaping him as he presses his forehead against Chris’ chest, right next to his heart. His hand grasps at Chris’ shoulder, as if he’s trying to pull him back from death’s hands because he can’t lose this man.

Can’t lose the one man in his life that had felt like home and family and trust – _I believe in you_

That has supported him from the beginning, challenging him and nurturing him – _I dare you to do better_

Nurturing him, like a father – _it’s gonna be okay, son_

_Son_

_Son_

_Son_

_Too much_

It’ too much.

Suddenly his mind is in a panic, tells him to flee, run, protect yourself – _too late, too late_

He stands up on unsteady legs and his body feels numb, moving by itself as he turns around.

The hand he places on Spock’s shoulder is rough, shaking, leaning more than comforting and he’s selfish, doing it for himself. His own comfort. His own need to touch someone who is alive.

_Dead_

He stumbles on his way out, his body caught in the storm of emotional onslaught that is tearing at his heart, coursing through his mind, pouring through his veins.

From the entrance, he turns despite all his senses screaming at him not to.

And as he lays eyes on Chris, lying there with unseeing eyes staring up at the ceiling he remembers Chris’ last words to him.

_Not now, James_

He tears his eyes away, a whimper passing his lips as he turns and walks away from Chris and Spock.

But he needs to.

Needs to get himself out of there.

Can’t look at Chris.

Because _not now_ is _never again_.

Never again can he talk to Chris.

Never will he be able to tell him all of the things that Chris deserved to know.

_I respect you_

_You made me into who I am_

_You saved me when no-one else would_

_You are wrong, I am not my father’s son, but I feel like I’m yours_

They’re words he’s often found on the tip of his tongue, thoughts he’s often entertained and wondered _what if I told Chris_.

Now though, what if turned into if only

And Jim knows, as he numbly walks away with heavy footsteps and shaking hands and tears down his cheeks, that Chris’ death will hurt for a long time.

That he’ll mourn him like he would a father. Miss him like he would a father.

But that feeling of loss will pass, will finds a place within his mind and turn into a painful, distant memory amongst many good.

The regret of not having spoken the words he should have said, however, will haunt him ‘till his dying day.

There is, after all, no greater sorrow than regret.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [Tumblr](http://thevalesofanduin.tumblr.com/) <3


End file.
